Men will never understand what women get out of defaming their boyfriends in front of others. They want it as much as men do, the world knows. Instead of accepting it, they would rather go on bedroom strikes to practice their power over men. They usually do it to make a point, and stretch it way beyond the point we have already understood the point. All women do that and it is the most frustrating thing ever.
Shop Read. Signup with us to unlock all features! Thank you for your article and your forum. I was the oldest and only girl born to a woman addicted to men, sex and money.
And with all the comings and goings of her many husbands, I quit counting at 12 step-fathers, although one did turn out to be kind to me , and boyfriends, I still desperately tried to make her love me.
I did not realize the depth of her utter hatred and jealousy of me and it has cost me dearly. I was shot in the head at 11 yrs. I was too scared to tell anyone the truth and to this day all believe it was an accidental shooting by a younger child who was for all intensive purposes too young to talk. I eventually ran away at age 14 to live on the streets and to look for my birth father believing he was a good and decent man that must have left me behind only because he was as afraid of her as I was.
That he too must have met the monster behind the mask. I found him at age 40 and quickly had my dreams of a loving, caring parent somewhere out there in the world dashed to bits.
But I do credit him for his honesty. Unlike my birth mother, he was not a pathological liar. If nothing else, he was an honest Brute. He stated quite frankly he did not want me then or now, nor did he want any disruptions with his career as a Full Bird Colonel, bucking for General in the US Army. And in no way would accept any intrusions in his life that might upset his third marriage to a woman very close in age to mine.
I had gone my entire life believing with all my heart he was as much a victim as I was. And more often than not at the expense of my own health and well-being. I am grateful that I recognize my many defects obtained through design AND choice.
At 51, I actively seek ways to truly forgive those who have harmed me AND more importantly, forgive myself. Thank you for this forum to comment on the events of my life that are so hard to admit and write about. As for the birth mother who savaged me… her childhood was magical and full of delightful devotion from all… especially her parents. I guess some loved people, hurt people. This is such a refreshing article. I thoroughly enjoyed reading each word.
This is a powerful piece. Thank you for your time and detail placed into writing and posting this. In order to understand anything, it is crucial to understand the origin.
I used to do disturbing tormenting strategies from ages 10 — Interestingly, this is the time where I also witnessed the most disturbing events in my home that were graphic in nature. We have the power to change ourselves if we choose to accept it and not be an everyday coward.
Unfortunately, we are a by-product of our upbringing no matter how hard we try to deny it. But if we reach to the necessary tools, one can overcome the destructive habits that have been adopted. As far as bullying goes, I almost got killed by a bully in school and then I tried to be a bully shortly afterwards. My point is, intentionally cruel people may behave in a evil way in an effort to reconcile their own inner conflict.
This can also be applied to people who do good deeds, they may act in a helpful way to reconcile their own inner conflict as well. But the difference lies in the language a person has been conditioned to. If one is surrounded by hate, it becomes their currency used for understanding. Hello Mary Rose! Great article! Besutifully ecpressed point of views. I agree with your view that the ego is capable of a lot of destruction if given a free hand.
I have experienced cruelty in many forms and from many sources in my life. The reasons why people are cruel to people are varied.
But, yes, the effects of it can be devastating. The victim of cruely is left with the painful burden of making sense of it, making peace with the fact that it happened, gathering the coursge and will power to still live in the same world, and protecting themselves from such creulty in the future. I have gone through each of the above. After the last step, I gain revisited the first by reading your article. It made a lot of sense. Ultimately, I may have to go through each of these steps many times before I can completely heal.
I think that even after understanding the reasons behind why people behave cruelly, it would still be impossible to predict which people will inflict cruelty on others because we all respond so differently, even to the same set of circumstances.
I think that all we can do is to observe with AWE the diversity of experiences we can have, sometimes from the same source. Beautifully written, beautifully explained. I generously gave my three children everything of myself. They had what one would describe as a privileged upbringing. When I was once in love with my three children this has left me broken as a mother, has devastated my hitherto strong maternal instinct to the point that whilst I love my children I now am no longer in love with them and have sunk into the depths of deep depression.
I find myself unable to relate to them in the ways I used to and am now adjusting to a semi-life with them. Vera, You sound a little narcissistic to me. You need them to make you proud so you can brag about them. Narcissists, borderlines, sociopaths, codependents and those with self love deficits are created by selfish nonurturing parents. Just saying. My nine year old son is a menace. I would like to think that we are capable, loving and and empathetic parents.
Financially, we would probably be considered lower class, but we manage to maintain a comfortable farm lifestyle, that many kids and adults could even be envious of. Life is good, but our oldest son sees it differently. My boy must be in a lot of pain, and he wants to make those around him suffer, especially those of us who love him. He is intentionally cruel, emotionally, physically and everything in between.
He is an angel at school, It is his immediate family who he chooses to torment. I had issues with my daughter after leaving her father. I was all three! Guilty we lost our lovely home and financial security, guilty they suffered because of their abusive father, anxious about everything and overprotective and taking over all their day to day needs and concerns to make up for it all.
I pulled back, set boundaries, let go of the guilt or hid it! Good luck. How can we use this knowledge to change the minds of Isis, of gangs, of violent criminals, of young adults who make bad choices, of abusive parents, etc?
I connect it in my mind to the center of the earth, and then, as it expands, it feels as if my forehead is seeing from the inside, blinding me in a way to the darkness, and then, I visualize and send that light and love and electrical current outward. Like a growing cone shape, coming from my imagination to everyone on this planet.
Not to anyone specifically, but to everyone. When we feel better, everyone we encounter will feel that instead of the … other stuff. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. I will not refuse to do the something I can do. And yet, we all know this is just an idea—not a universal truth.
I think we can expect answers to questions like what the emotional and reasoning repertoire of humanity is, what kinds of circumstances influence our behavioral choices, and what neurological and other physiological states accompany certain behavioral choices. I was abused as a kid, got no love, never bonded with parents or siblings yet I am a nice person.
I grew up without boundaries other than imposed ones, but that never led me to be mean. Finally at 60 I have good boundaries. Hi Patrick, Not everyone who is hurt responds cruelly. I hope you find your answers, and that you find connection.
Why would she target one person to emotionally abuse day after day, when the person she is targeting to inflict constant emotional pain already suffers from Traumatic Brain Injury, but copes well except for the non stop emotional pain. Mary, The opening surmise of your blog is really quite beautiful and captivating.
No wonder for the endearments that followed the entry which is so pervasive and approaches whether social maintenance is an endeavor people will stand by, or attempt to brighten in a satisfying, intrinsic manner should such exist.
Best to You and where your insight is derived. What study? Dear Mary Rose, I wonder how you would understand the cult phenomenon in which the intentions of gurus appear to start off benevolent? All in the name of freedom. Cohen has since apologized to his collective disciples for the abrasive and harsh regime under which they lived — including the author, who was in the community for almost two decades. I wanted to say thanks.
I went no contact years ago for my own safety and sanity. Some people are just inherently evil I guess… I wish you the best. Narcissism develops from being raised in environments by a cruel narcissistic parent or parents and wanting to be loved and accepted, treated well and acknowledged. This creates the next generation of narcissistic individuals. Hurt people, hurting other people.
So very sorry to hear about your experience growing up. D published last in but still very relevant and has great reviews. The main premise is that all parents make mistakes but some actions by some parents are not forgivable; it gives advice on how to move on.
I wish you all the best. Thanks again. I was only recently apprised that this article had received so many views and comments, which makes me feel like my words and feelings matter. All of our words and and feelings matter…so thank you for yours. I feel for you. I am in the midst of an unrequited love thing…ongoing for two years…it hurts, because I am just as much to blame for the unrequited part…I had my heart smashed by a divorce and the man was cruel.
I have been on emotional lock down for almost ten years. To feel love again — it is nothing short of miraculous to me, and in truth, what I have experience — the cruelty of others — has made me very very hesitant to express love.
Even though I feel it. Love and feeling are the special excellence of sentient beings, and we are gifted, indeed. It is our culture, Mary. So, meanness, invalidation, etc. It is a cultural thing. I would agree. I would also agree with anyone who knows that it is WE who must change this apathetic reality which has been imposed on us. For reasons that serve consumerism, not the people who consume.
Fear, doubt, cruelty, hate, division — all these things serve the filthy bottom line of those who benefit from conflict among the people, and nothing else. We must change this by not serving a Hegelian or Feudal model.
We can change everything by voting with our dollar and by choosing not to be cruel to one another. Even when we feel it is justified. In my opinion. I feel your pain, as I have gone the forgiveness route, talked to pastors and therapists, etc. Sometimes you just have to vote them out of your life. Walk away if you can, like you did. Are we giving our power away when we confront an enemy, or, are we taking it back? This takes a lot of thought. I am sorry to hear what was inflicted upon you.
Best wishes to you. Dear Gary, Even in the same house, you will find that people are relatively good to each other in good times, and relatively not so good to each other in times of stress. Behaviour of people is as much dependent on the times that they are going through as it is on their personality and character traits. This article was right on time, recently I had a taste of intentional cruelty from a relative, the cruel words were delivered to cut deeply and cause hurt leaving me wounded, but not today.
I grew up in a environment of abuse, as a child I was unable to protect myself, that changed as I got older, I not only began to protect myself but that same abuse I took to the streets, had to protect myself there as well, while in school I bullied, I am not certain if it was intentional but maybe a way to tell the world you are not treating me like shit, perhaps it was intended , yeah I believe it was.
When my twin brother committed suicide my world was turn inside out, I realized I was an angry young man and hated living in my own skin, with the help from therapy and God I was able to well reinvent myself, I saw that the identity I walked in was a false identity, learn behavior, I knew I had to change or live and die a hurting angry man.
I choose to forgive those who offend me as I would want to be forgiven. I understand we as humans are far from perfect and are broken living in a broken world, but that does not give us license to hurt simply because we hurt.
We may have to live with the consequences but we can change and dance as we were intended to. My sincerest apologies for such a late response. I had no idea that this piece of writing had been responded to until yesterday, when my editor thought to congratulate me on how many reads and feedback it had gotten. I have been in deep training, and not attending to writing at all. Having said that, I am back here now.
And to you, I send so many blessings; for your words. For your strength. For your feedback, For your ability to forgive.
For your compassion. I too have a twin. And sometimes, I wonder about her. She is far away and often, very sad and alone. If what happened to you happened to me…I am not sure I would able to handle it. Thank you for sharing this with me, and please, if you wish to start a dialogue, let me know, and we can exchange emails. Intel I finally realized that YES I am awsome and so is everybody else, no one is better no one is worse we are all equel though we are not the same; because you see what I realized is that there is a big difference between saying that one is awsome and saying that others are worse.
Am I optimistic that we can do this? Yeah, I am. Our mission has never been more vital than it is in this moment: to empower through understanding. Financial contributions from our readers are a critical part of supporting our resource-intensive work and help us keep our journalism free for all. Please consider making a contribution to Vox today to help us keep our work free for all.
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By choosing I Accept , you consent to our use of cookies and other tracking technologies. Why humans are cruel. Reddit Pocket Flipboard Email. The grounds of the former Buchenwald concentration camp near Weimar, Germany. A lightly edited transcript of our conversation follows.
Sean Illing Can you sum up your argument about the roots of human cruelty? Paul Bloom A lot of people blame cruelty on dehumanization. Paul Bloom I think the truth is somewhere in the middle. Sean Illing What does that say about us, about our psychology, about our susceptibility to this kind of violence? Delivered Fridays. Thanks for signing up! Check your inbox for a welcome email.
Share this —. Follow think. Diane Barth, psychotherapist. Toxic masculinity in boys is fueling an epidemic of loneliness Jan. Opinion Men are experiencing a crisis of masculinity. The solution? More feminism. Opinion Does power damage male brains?
MeToo prompts us to examine the motivations of abusers.
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